I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
