Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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