So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
