I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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