nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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