Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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