This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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