I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize