I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
