all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
