Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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