He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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