he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
