and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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