i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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