God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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