you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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