My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
