you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
