Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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