did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
