i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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