you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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