She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
