I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have fence marks all over my body
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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