The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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