sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
