if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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