If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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