I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
