another moral hangover. fuck.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
