And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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