I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
