I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
