If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
