I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
