I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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