remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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