dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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