he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You can't special order awesome
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
