how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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