This is not my ceiling
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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