Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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