alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
