beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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