Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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