can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
