your parents love me but you hate me
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
