She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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