So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
