Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
