i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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