He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
