just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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