On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
