my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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