when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We were destined to go to rehab together
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
