His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my poor anus
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
