1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
