My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
