i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
