Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
