Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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