The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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