I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
